Sunday, August 2, 2009

Social retardation - its everywhere

My girlfriend Amica is off to strut around Europe next week and insisted we go out for a few Friday night drinks in the city before her departure.

We start at the Ivy, and after an hour or so are approached by a man who looked like Cheshire cat. His name was John. And he had a very thick woggy accent.

John: Soooo.. ladiessss.... you musht be about 22/23....

Amica: Fail. Why would you even bring up a woman's age the minute you meet her? We are clearly not in our early 20's, and you just sound completely disingenuine.

John: Aww.... ok.... well you nah, I was married for a very long time and going out again izh very new to me, I am still finding my feet.... Anyway.. so what do you girls do for work?

Amica: Im in marketing.

Me: Im a solicitor.

John: A SHALISSITAR????? Oh my gawd...... wow.... im impreshed....

Me: Right.. ok...

He asks us to guess his age, because we would "NEVER GUESS". We did (40's). He also was at a loss as to how I realised he was Greek.

"Hmmmm.. I think its the way you say SHALISSITAR"...

The conversation goes on and he tells us he has 2 children, age 16 and 13, and the oldest one is heavily involved in soccer. As I had also discovered he lived in my area, I inquired as to whether or not the soccer association the kids played in was St George, as I used to play in their women's league.

John: Yes! Oh my gawd.... you played shocka????? What about you Amica.... Did you play shocka????

Amica: No. I have never played soccer.

John: Why??? Awww I know... its because you're too prettyyyyyy....

I look at him intensely with my eyebrows lowered. "What are you saying John..... only the ugly girls play soccer????"

John: Oh... ahhmm...... (looks me up and down)... well... I guess you're not THAT BAD......

Pursed lips.

John: I think I should go now.....

Amica: That was just the biggest FAIL ever....


Later that night in bed I took comfort in the degree of wrongness of my night when my Gay Husband texted me to advise he had been kicked out of a restaurant because his lesbian companian had groped a waitress. Text> Darlin, I haven't felt this ashamed since I wore that black satin shirt to your 25th birthday.

He forgot to mention the purple sequined cumberbun.

I guess some nights we all fall victim to some form of social retardation. Do you know what I mean?


  1. how can social retards like that get into the ivy and i cant? :(

  2. I just got around to reading that after a are you doing a stand up bit, or did that really happen? lol.